Matt Wenborn - Dec 2024
In 1969, Doctor Elisabeth Kubler-Ross a Swiss-American psychiatrist established a theory
that defines emotional stages that people go through after losing a loved one. According to
her findings, everybody who has suffered a loss must go through all the stages of sorrow.
How does this apply to your finances? Well, money is essentially a means to an end – its’ a
tool. It’s what we ultimately do with that money that helps to satisfy our financial goals,
ambitions, and objectives.
Too often I see individuals that have suffered a devastating loss in which they never emotionally recover from. By not emotionally recovering from this loss, many of those financial dreams become unfulfilled when many times, monetarily speaking
they can be comfortably achieved.
Everyone's grief experience is different and, while Doctor Ross’s theory recognizes ‘grief
phases’, it is crucial to emphasize that they are not rigid: the stages might overlap or, you
may revert to earlier phases.
Below is an adaptation of Dr Ross’s 1969 report in which I have categorized into six grief phases.
My hope is that this will help individuals recognize the feelings that they may encounter and how in the abnormal situation of loss, the feelings they are experiencing is actually quite normal. By recognizing and then overcoming these phases, it is my expectation that individuals will be in a better emotional position to achieve their financial dreams.
Shock
‘Sad things happen. They do. But we don’t need to live sad forever’. Mattie Stepanek
The shock phase begins as soon as one learns of the loss. You have a concept of what
happened, but you aren't aware of its full ramifications. Even if we believe we have had
enough time to prepare for the loss of a loved one, shock is unavoidable in almost every
circumstance. We know it will happen, but not right away, not that day.
Typical types of thoughts that you may encounter at this phase can make you feel alone,
vulnerable, and insecure. This period is typically characterised by a torrent of enquiries. There may be questioning of yourself or others, seeking immediate and definitive answers. Give yourself some time. Over time as the dust begins to settle everything will begin to make sense.
There are ways in which to combat or reduce shock. You can attempt meditation or other
relaxing interests, or physical activity such as going for walks to distract yourself, however
this phase might linger for days, weeks, or even months.
Denial
‘Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt’. Unknown
Following shock, the second phase is denial. Denial is a normal reaction to overwhelming
situations and surroundings. Individuals may refuse to face reality and keep their feelings
bottled up. Many people who go through loss believe that if they don't accept the reality, the loss didn't truly happen, allowing for a reconciliation, such as in the case of a divorce.
In the case of a break-up, during this period, it is typical to call, follow on social media, or text excessively in order to postpone the process of dealing with grief.
People frequently mention a ‘mental fog’ in addition to shock and denial. These symptoms
might include forgetfulness, loss of attention, insomnia, lack of motivation, recurrent thinking, and inability to make a choice.
Denial sometimes gives individuals the time to gather your strength for something you know
you must face soon. It is essential to realize that shutting down or ignoring reality will only
leave you stuck during this phase. To move forward, try to accept the present, even if it
hurts.
Denial can be tricky and scary, but overcoming it can be as simple as surrounding yourself
with trustworthy, supportive people and opening up emotionally. Living an honest life and
dealing with your emotions head-on is a path to successful, sustained recovery. Confide in a
friend or pen your feelings and fears in a journal. This stage leads directly into the “Anger Phase,” which can happen quickly after the denial phase.
Anger
‘Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured’. Mark Twain
Your heart shifts from sad to hostile throughout this time. In the event of a break-up, fury
aimed at the ex for his or her involvement in the breakup, or maybe at yourself for your role,
fuels it. Many people engage in aggressive behaviour at this time, such as deleting old
photographs, holding their ex's possessions hostage, slandering their ex, or worse.
Anger at oneself can be characterized by a lot of negative self-talk or regretful and furious internal dialogues. All is being done to find something or someone to blame.
When someone realizes that denial is no longer an option, they get frustrated, often with
individuals close to them. Some people may take their frustrations out on loved ones and
other family members. It's common to feel angry after a loss, and many individuals may try
to keep this stage of sorrow buried.
This is a difficult stage because you may not be ready to let go of your hopes and future
plans for this relationship, and you want answers to comprehend what occurred. In the case
of a break-up, in many instances there is a perception that the ex has all the answers and
that they also hold the key to happiness, since one conversation with them may turn things
around and stop the misery, restoring things to their previous state.
Anger is a tough feeling to cope with, and it is easy for people to dismiss it, therefore it is
critical to find someone with whom you can relate to honestly. Try writing your
feelings down, practicing relaxation strategies such as listening to music or deep breathing
exercises, or engaging in physical activity. Studies have shown this can reduce stress.
Also, recognize when it is time and how to get help from a therapist or Psychologist.
Bargaining
‘Love knows no bargaining’. Swami Vivekananda
The bargaining stage involves making commitments to yourself or a higher entity and
begging the universe for a second chance. An individual facing loss may seek rationale
where there is none and may feel guilty or to blame for their actions. The bargaining stage
of relationship sadness is typically characterised by anxiety and uncertainty. It's also the
time when couples may try to reconcile just to split up again a few weeks or months later.
In the bargaining stage of grief, people attempt to postpone their sadness by imagining ‘what if’ scenarios. Individuals may also feel a sense of guilt or responsibility, leading them to
bargain for ways to prevent more emotional pain or future losses.
In the case of a break-up, it's critical to evaluate and consider why the partnership didn't
work. This act will assist the mind in adjusting to the new reality rather than easily clinging to
false hopes. Staying grounded in reality, understanding that the agony one is feeling will
pass, provides place for individual development and stability.
If possible, cutting off all contact with the ex is a healthy way so that you can focus your time
and energy on emotional rehabilitation. The no contact rule is a most effective strategy to
maintain a healthy distance from the ex.
Relationship grief's bargaining stage may be both perplexing and distressing. Still, it allows
you to reconnect with yourself, and chart a new positive course in life.
Depression
‘You will feel better than this, maybe not yet, but you will. You just keep living until you are alive again’. Unknown.
The tangle of emotions that frequently accompany the mourning of a loved one or a
divorce process can lead to feelings of sorrow, loneliness, worry, and dismay. Sometimes
the pain is too great to endure. Someone may ponder the meaning of existence or wish to be reunited with a deceased loved one.
Dealing with your emotions and realities might feel all too daunting once you comprehend
the enormity of your loss. There may be numerous days of profound unhappiness that
mimics moderate depression. It might be difficult to remember life before the relationship
during this stage. Getting out of bed or routine day to day tasks can be challenging for many
people.
During this period, it is critical to surround oneself with optimism. Maintain contact with
friends and family and do your best to not retreat from life. Increase your physical activity
and confront your worries. Don't avoid the things that are challenging for you, limit your
alcohol consumption and try to consume a nutritious diet. Above all, know when it's time to
seek professional assistance – you don’t have to face your loss alone.
Acceptance and hope
‘We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope’. Martin Luther King, Jr
Humans, by nature, crave contact, connection, and support, and at some stage in the grieving or loss process individuals will want to engage with friends and family again.
Acceptance is about realising you can’t change the circumstances, but that you can gain some control over how you respond. This is also a stage where one may slip backwards and find themselves feeling overwhelmed from all the emotions again. It’s normal to move between any of the stages of grief from hour to hour, or even minute to minute.
Acceptance doesn't Ignore the loss. Acceptance means embracing the present (both good and bad) in order to shape the future. It does not mean that we no longer can think about the loved one. Out of sight does not have to mean out of mind.
It means that finally one is able to accept the reality of what's happened and begin to look for avenues to move on.
It's important that during this stage one accepts how this loss has changed their life and
ceases wishing for everything to go back to how it used to be. At first acceptance may simply mean more good days than bad ones.
Life continues – never the same, enriched by the lessons one has learnt throughout their journey.
This is a huge milestone and accomplishment. This means that now, you choose to no longer waste all your energy on things you can't change and you can begin to look ahead.
Are you seeking support?
‘Asking for help is never a sign of weakness. It's one of the bravest things you can do. And it can save your life’. Lily Collins.
Conclusion
Throughout the phases listed above, each presents a situation where vulnerable people can be taken advantage. In the early stages, such as Shock and Denial, financial decisions can be made with haste and can cause long-term harm, whilst stages such as Bargaining, and Depression lead themselves to being taken advantage of from those who don’t have your best interests at heart.
No investment should be implemented without a thorough understanding of your financial goals and objectives, and during this period, your financial goals and objectives are usually clouded and ever changing.
As a Certified Financial Planner, I am held to strict fiduciary duties and ethical standards.
Client care is at the forefront of my process. If you’re going through a devastating breakup or have lost a loved one through tragic circumstances and your emotions seem to be getting the better of you, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
If you are looking for support, a valuable resource is Find a Clinical Psychologist | NZCCP to help you come to terms with your past, learn strategies to cope with your pain, and move ahead with a positive perspective on life.
If you have questions or queries with regards to this article, or if you would like to reach out regarding your financial planning goals and objectives feel free to contact me (below).
Matt Wenborn
Director – CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER cm
021 495 190
matt@irvinewenborn.co.nz
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